Ramblings on healthcare, medical education, and life with a spinal cord injury
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Ups and Downs

Some days are better than others.  Most here are positive – there are a lot of positive people around, and the spirit is very supportive.  Sometimes, that doesn’t make one bit of difference and something seemingly routine just sets off all kinds of unpleasant emotions.  It seems to be par for the course around here.  Today was one of those days.I woke up a bit on the wrong side of the bed this morning, realizing where I was and what I’ve been dealing with every day.  And what I may have to deal with for the rest of my life.  Although I hope and pray that isn’t the case.

Interesting timing, as today’s discussion in Transitions (see this prior post for what Transitions is) was each individual’s choice of either guilt or loss of control.  Both are very real emotions that people with SCI face on a daily basis.  Some people lose more ability than others, and thus they have that much more control lost.  I may have (and will regain) complete independence, but that doesn’t make this any less easy.  As the day went on, I felt a lot better.

Then tonight while sitting (and dealing with one of those seemingly routine things), I suddenly got very upset.  Anger, sadness, fear..  It was one of those times where I just wanted to punch the wall or smash something.  I wanted to punch something.  Then I wanted to kick something; until I realized I can’t.

Very rarely do I want to vent anger in a physical way.  And even more rarely do I hit even a pillow.  I didn’t end up hitting anything, but the sadness was overwhelming.  I did, however, end up shedding several tears.

Is this it for me?  Will I walk again?  God, why do I have to deal with all of this?  Why does life have to be so complicated?  This sucks.  A lot.

It’s hard to maintain faith sometimes.  Especially as time goes by and lots of little things happen but none of the big things do.  But I try.

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